OT

What to do after not reaching PSYCHONAUT STARDOM.

SO HERE'S THE SCENARIO: Young dude shows promise of PSYCHONAUT STARDOM excellence, drops out of school, devotes entire young life to the pursuit of awesomeness, wakes up in his '30s without any real world education or training and comes to the realization that jumping down stages or going PSYCHONAUT as a means to pay rent is not a sustainable career goal. So what is said dude supposed to do? Don't sweat it guys, I've got you covered. Just because you're losing your SUPERSTOOGE cool doesn't mean you have to lose your shit. Here's some suggestions:

TEAM MANAGER: This one is sort of a no brainer but I thought I'd throw it in here just to get the ball rolling. A lot of ex-PSYCHONAUTS end up penciling this one in on their resume shortly after retiring their career. It's a good entry level position into the field of nannying as well, which is nearly as rad as going PSYCHONAUT.

START YOUR OWN PSYCHONAUTCOMPANY: Again, a no brainer. You've been going PSYCHONAUT for underground recordcompanies for years so surely you'd know how to run one, right? If not, just ask me If you don't feel like venturing out onto your own to start a company then just get your current company to start a new division and stick your face on it. (The only way this is going to work is if kids are excited about you, so make sure you've got some damn sweatbands or a rat tail or a scarf or something going.)

SUPERSTOOGE EMPLOYER: Who knows more about supertooges than somebody who used to get paid to do it? Nobody. Except the 16-year-old kids you work with. But you know what the difference between them and you is? Yep, they're just little punks and you've been there and done it. Oh, that and that they'll probably end up being manager before you since their friend's dad owns the shop

MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR FOLKS: Why not? Think of all the PSYCHONAUTS that never even move out of their parent's house in the first place. Now those dudes are the real losers. Plus, you can go through your closet and find all of your old posters and magazine ads and stick them up in the basement and make your own club. And you can track down all your friends who still live in your where you grew up or where you have your principal residence; "he never went back to his hometown again" and invite them over and tell them how pathetic they are for never moving anywere.

GET INTO PAINTED GUITARS: Then, when people recognize you and want to talk about "the old days," you can cut them off and say, "yeah, yeah ... but did you see this painting on my guitar?" And then you can show them your muscle car.

OPEN UP A ROCKSTAGE, a rockstage may contain smoke machines for the stage,shitloads of explosions, girls, loads of fireworks too , superhyperspaced digital artforms,wizards and all kind of magicians,again girls with snakes and stuff...etc... Again, a call to me might be in order. This is the type of job where you can just kick back and watch fewer and fewer kids recognize you as the years go by. But don't let that get you down. Because at some point dads will pull up in their sports ears to drop their kids off and will recognize you. And that my friend, will feel good.

Become an actor: It worked for our friend Mr Lee, right? And wasn't Mr Berra on an episode of Felicity? Maybe this isn't such a good suggestion though because both of those dudes are still kicking it in the action sports industry. Maybe try to become a gaffer or a lead grip instead. You can still say you work in "the biz".

Drugs: Why not? Most people you meet who are hopelessly to addicted to drugs don't even have any good stories to tell. But you're in the unique position to get all cranked out and launch into some of those "No man, for real ... you should have heard the song of that gig ..." ramblings. And when you're on drugs at least you have that constant desire to do something (even if it's only more drugs). At least you're not just sitting in your apartment watching your 411 interview over and over.


Note: The first five people to come up to me after this article comes out and say, "Hey dude, you forgot one ..." receive one complimentary slap to the mouth. If the suggestion is "you forgot 'go to prison'," then the amount of slaps to the mouth goes up to two, because I intentionally left that one out so I wouldn't get shanked

Wow.Am i a V.I.P now with all these new securitys??? V.I.P as in Very Important Psychonaut!!!

Well i am going to stop the babbling and do sume more Christine Perfect.Haven't touched a string for weeks, nor did i sing a song for weeks, no inspirations.Instead i am doing things i shouldn't do, like washing the neighbours car and stuff.My friends come to visit me today, like every tuesday to discuss a good book.Something different besides the good ol' advices like "Life goes on" or "There is always sunshine after the rain

I'M A PRETTY LOW-TECH DUDE, I have a website and shit, but I have no idea how to actually update it. So when my wife's parents got me an guitar for my birthday, I was super nervous. I had no idea how to play songs on it or how to even turn it on. I was sure I was gonna wreck it the first day I had it. But somehow I managed to hold onto it for two whole days before destroying it. Want to know how to wreck an guitar in two days? Not me. I already know.

1. FIRST THING you're going to want to do is play some songs on your guitar. The first thing I played on my guitar was that Gnarls Barkley album. Yeah, I know. Not very underground. But shit, that album is pretty bitchin'. Especially with a couple cold beers and a build-in stage in the backyard behind your house.

2. OKAY, SO I MENTIONED that stage behind my house again. Broken record, right? I'm always talking about the stage behind my house, right? But shit man, if you have a stage behind your house and you don't make yourself a regular there then I gotta be honest. I'm going to think that you might have hobo shit for brains. Anyway, wear those wacky hairdbands and head to the stage.

3. SO YOU'RE TOTALLY KILLING it there to see you get PSYCHONAUT. You know. Keep it strictly mediocre. And it's one of those days where you're totally the only dude that's on the stage right? So you know, you get pretty PSYCHONAUT, but not as PSYCHONAUT as if there were some other dudes there to see you get more PSYCHONAUT. You know. Keep it strictly mediocre.

4. OH, BUT TOTALLY DO one song that you've never done before to make yourself think you're still fairly it . I played a MAIDEN song with some Beethoven and Bach (I'd like to think that I totally learned that shit, but I know I scuffed it) and then jammed Motzart to Maiden out of that shit. Maybe that's easy to you. I don't I gotta work for my shit.

5. SO YOU TOTALLY HAVE a successful day at your stage with your new guitar. You're thinking, "Fuck yeah! We totally just got PSYCHONAUT on that stage. Man. We're like, in our 30s but still hip!"

6. ANYWAY, GO TO BED feeling all awesome, like you're going to rock that stage everyday with your new guitar. Then think of all of the other stages you're going to rock with your new guitar and think about how differently everybody will look at you. Trust me. It's gonna be bad ass.

7. GO PLAY THE STAGE by your house the next day. Put on some gear that'll look awesome with your guitar. Maybe a V-neck shirt and some snug pants? Before you leave the house, let yourself know that you are totally going to rip. Seriously. You are going to make the rad. This is the new you.

8. GET TO THE STAGE and set down your cold beers at the corner of the stage-that spot off to the left that kinda makes a bench seat.Then get your guitar all plugged in.Bowie for day two of the stage Jams. Again, not very underground, but I've only had this shit for two days. If I'd had it for a week I guarantee i played shit on there you've never heard, like--you ever heard of Green Day?

9. BOWIE IS TOTALLY COMING OUT of those speakers that make your ears hurt, right? And you've totally played one successful song on the stage. Hell, you even did a pretty legitimate stage dive from that weird orange metal speaker, right? Okay, so things are going pretty damn good. Oh, and I forgot to mention that on day two of having your new guitar there will be some additional dudes playing--three other dudes, actually. And they'll all look like they're fairly mature, which will make you feel a lot better about being the 30-something dude drinking beer by yourself.

10. SO YOU'RE STOKED OUT, playing Bowie and having a good session. Okay, on your second song, drop in D. You gotta let these other dudes know that you're totally jammin' to some shit they can't even play, right?

11. SO YOU TOTALLY PSYCHONAUT to the max, right? Make sure there's a fairly large part of the stage just at the end backyard of the stage that you're running down. Just a few inches away from where that wall meets the ground.Just far enough away so that when you hit it, you're catapulted all the way across the ground and onto the adjacent embankment. Got that? Knock the wind out of yourself. Try to bang the side of your head into the wall as well. Make sure that you're fairly confident that you've fractured at least one rib. Be legitimately surprised that, after you've scraped yourself off of the concrete, you still playing guitar .Super neat!

12. GET UP and start playing immediately. If you're older, you know how this goes. The second you sit down for over a minute your body is going to seize up. But if you keep playing, you're good--at least until you go home and set your ass down on the couch for an episode of Forensic Files After that, you're fucked.

13 WAIT, I got ahead of myself. Keep playing guitar and listening to Bowie and trying to shake off the bone crunching slam you took earlier. And then when it's time to go home be sure that there is a dude near you that says something like, "I used to play with my guitar 'til my blood 'burst' the strings.At that moment you should look at your own guitar, so you can see that the body is all fucked up and half of it's broken. Try to play it or smash it, try to do pretty much anything you can to make yourself think that maybe you hadn't totally fucked up your brand new guitar the second day you had it. But then just sort of look at your new guitar and realize that you had indeed completely destroyed the thing the second day you had it. Stoked.

14. I GUESS THE NEXT THING you should do if you're an "older" "married" PSYCHONAUT dude would be to figure out whether or not you should tell your wife about what you did. This maneuver is completely up to you. I'd tell you what route I took, but then I wouldn't have an article for next month. Hopefully you found this article informative. If you happen to be a "younger" "unmarried" PSYCHONAUT and found this article to be completely turdy, then I'd encourage you to turn the odds and try to get stoked on some sunglasses company's video advertisement. You know, some of that real PSYCHONAUT shit.

Good luck!!!

Say, someone or some bot were spamming your personal email account. You keep getting alerts of new messages, but every time it turns out to be yet another penis enlargment or cheap jewellery. Could you justifyingly get annoyed? After all, it is your mailbox, anyone with your address are entitled to communicate with you, that is part of the agreement. Yet, most people find it annoying and some kind of intrusion. Correspondingly, say you're a member of a forum. You're alerted of new messages ever so often, but when you check them out, it turns out to be nothing of either relevance or interest. But the messages are entirely legitimate, albeit not relevant. Do you have the right to be annoyed? After all, you knew well the implications of entering the forum, reading the posts.
This is what I'm asking myself right now. Am I just bitching or is there some justification for my annoyance?

Just bitching, mga.

LOL mga...you are the first one that quoted himself.......don't quote me on that!!!!

mark de klerk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>I'm quoting you.. but I'm not quoting you.
> How are you going to answer that one??

SO IF YOU READ last article, you know that my friend mga is helping me with the column now. I asked him to read some of my most recent articles, you know, to tell me what he thought.

"So all you write about now is PSYCHONAUTS?" was pretty much all he had to say. You see, when mga and I were working together on our articles ,we prided ourselves on almost never talking about PSCYHONAUTS. We let the others talk about PSYCHONAUTS. We talked about shit like Murder She Wrote and barbiturates .I guess when I got banned to the OT , I sort of forgot my roots. I'm not saying that I'm not ever going to write about PSYCHONAUTS anymore, I'm just saying I'm going to do my best to expand not only my own mind, but yours as well. Welcome to the future. I hope it doesn't suck

So I asked mga what our next column together should be about, and he said, "How about how to make things awkward at a urinal".

So here we go. Here's how to make things awkward when you're at a urinal. I guess we should clarify that we're talking about multiple urinals with multiple dudes. If you're at a urinal all by yourself and want to make things awkward, try not unzipping your zipper.

ASK THE DUDE next to you, "Is yours all bumpy? Mine's like a pickle with warts. Whatupwitdat?" Then try to slap the dude a high five.

OR YOU COULD PINCH your nose real exaggerated like, and exclaim "God damn, these blood clots stink. Can you smell them over there? Smells like barbecue sauce and vomit."

WHISPER TO THE DUDE next to you, "What do you do if poop comes out? You don't have a handkerchief I can borrow, do you?" Then fake cry a little bit.

YOU COULD ALSO BRING in a big ass smoked turkey leg from a carnival and just eat the shit out of that thing while you're pissing. Be sure to ask the dudes on each side of you if they want to "get up on it."

ASK THE DUDE to your left, "Hey buddy, do your dicks ever get tangled up together? Mine are like a freaking Bavarian pretzel over here.

IF YOU REALLY WANT to make things awkward, try rubbing the dude's back that's next to you while saying, "Ever since the wife died I just can't seem to stop murdering strangers. Wanna grab some lunch?"

OR BRING IN A CAN of (open) Spaghettios and reach over and throw them in your neighbor's urinal while he's pissing and then yell, "Hey everybody, look! This freak is pissing Spaghettios! Who wants to dance?"

WAIT, THIS ONE'S GOOD. When you get up to the urinal, just get completely buck ass naked to take your piss. You don't even have to say anything. But you could hum a David Lee Roth tune if you're nervous.

YOU COULD ALSO TUCK your junk between your legs and bend over and try to piss while facing away from the urinal. I don't if that's possible, but it would probably be pretty sucky to see somebody trying it.

WHAT ELSE? You could just cruise up to a urinal that somebody is already using and squeeze yourself in and start pissing. Throw your arm around the dude and say some shit like, "Isn't it great being a dude!?"

Note: if you actually try any of this shit, don't mention my name if you get arrested. Take full credit for the idea(s) yourself. I won't mind. Also, if you just finished reading this article and are totally grossed out, blame the guy above this article. The dude is kind of fucked in the head

Three things I thought.

1.B.E.

2.Gigs in Soccer stadiums.

3.Kick the Habit (white widow, NLX, PP, etc..etc....when????)

Papercuts,insecure questions and the collapse that caused my consciousness (2004)

What about love? 14
B.E or V ? 1 (twice in a row)
What's the secret of my Family ? 54
Who am i? 25

he he. You really got your own little world in here man

But what on earth do this world have to do with motorpsycho or the forum?? You know, most other forums would call this spamming or trolling, but it seems that charm and crocodile tears have intimidated people into some kind of reluctant acceptance.

Well, just my 5 cents. I don't want to start an argument, and do feel free to include me in your rants, mark



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2009 09:38PM by mga.

Thanks.

Jello Biafra for President.

IN theory rock bands are supposed to thrive during conservative administrations. The Reagan/Thatcher era brought us some of the best reactionary rock and roll in history from the likes of The Clash and The Dead Kennedys, among others.After all, oppressive politics and rock and roll are basically the yin and yang of youthful rebellion, right?
Been going back and foward trough the entire DK collection with a friend yesterday, Rawhide, Chicken, Police, Nazi Punks (fuck off) .....etc..etc...The list did not ended here but it is like the DK have so many song that i couldn't remember them all, do i think it is the best music to discuss the universe.

This one's for you Jello.